Crazy Talk....

If you buy into cosmic energy concepts, it’s a special time of year when there’s kind of a lot of crazy going on. And even if you don’t, a lot of people around me keep saying that it feels like a crazy time of year.

If you have some relatives that you rank high on the crazy scale, you may be thinking about some tough conversations ahead over the upcoming holiday season. If the conversations are over some really difficult topics (like worries over the safety of aging parents at home or concerns about the intentions of someone your relative has begun spending lots of time with), it can be easy to avoid them rather than addressing them.

Whether you’re avoiding conversations or just wondering how to start them, it can also be easy to launch into making statements, blaming others, and acting from a place of frustration or fear.

That’s likely to get you nowhere.

Or worse, into a place where everyone says “screw you, I’m done with this discussion,” then stomps off to clean the Thanksgiving dishes and disperse in angry silence, only to avoid ANY communications for a really long time.

The good news is there are some simple tips anyone can implement to have more productive conversations about hard things. Here are just a few to help you get prepared to take on the tough talks….

1. Ask questions, don’t make statements. If you’re worried that your dad, who is now living on his own, is potentially in danger because of declining physical or mental status, don’t start the conversation with “Dad, you can’t live on your own anymore.” What’s likely to happen? Dad digs in his heels, insists he can, and ends the conversation. If you keep pushing your own agenda, it’s probably going to lead nowhere.

Instead, ask Dad how he feels living on his own. Ask him if he feels like he is able to take care of everything or if he could use some help. Let him know you care and appreciate all he has done for you over the years and ask him what you could do for him now – it’s your turn to be there for him. Maybe let him know you worry about him and want him to feel loved and part of the family. Even if you think he’s someone who would never admit a weakness or acknowledge emotion. You may be surprised by how effective just asking is in opening the door to conversation.

2. Use “I” statements. If you have a statement to make, let it be a statement about you and only you. For example, “I’m worried for you” is a lot different than “We’ve decided you can’t live on your own anymore.” Or perhaps, “I’m scared you’re going to fall and not be able to get help. Are you willing to talk about this?”

3. Accept that you cannot control someone else. Ultimately, we human adults are responsible for ourselves. Even though you may not like it, you can’t make someone else do something or accept your opinion as their own. Being willing to own your experience and view conversations through only your lens, rather than projecting, demanding, or assuming something on behalf of another person will likely get you a lot further towards solving a problem than trying to force your opinion and thoughts on someone else.

4. Be prepared to get answers you didn’t expect, or maybe even want to hear. This concept goes right along with owning your own experience. If you focus on asking questions and listening to the answers, odds are you’ll be more able to build consensus and find the things you can agree on. When people allow themselves to be open and prepared to get a different answer than they expected, it lends itself to listening to the other person. And listening often leads to finding commonality.

It also means you can offer to help someone else in ways they actually want, after hearing what they want or need. It may not be the way YOU wanted to help, but supporting their needs instead of your own will serve the relationship in the long term.

5. Get clear on your goals. What do you hope to accomplish with your own tough conversation? Is it to make your mom do an estate plan so her new boyfriend doesn’t get “your” inheritance? Just typing that made me feel ikcy…. That idea is all about you. If you circle back to asking the right questions, allowing mom to share her thoughts and wishes, and offering to help in a way she wants, you’ll probably get a lot further than by presenting a concern as all about you.

In this case, it would be worth asking mom if she has updated her own plan. You can share with her a concern that if she doesn’t do anything, remarries (or is in a common law jurisdiction) and everything she has passes on to her new significant other, then all the assets that she and your father worked hard for could pass to the new SO’s kids. Perhaps she would

want to leave them something, but perhaps she would not. Keep the focus on her wishes, though, not yours. And if she needs help finding an estate planning lawyer, offer to help.

Tough conversations are never going to be easy, but approaching them with the right attitude, owning your stuff and not making it someone else’s stuff, and allowing the other person(s) space to share their own thoughts will go a long way towards having productive discussions.

If you have a tough legal issue you’re concerned about tackling, reach out to see if we can support or guide you to developing your own framework. We would be happy to help.